A Public Service Announcement

I’m pretty much an expert on zombies. I beat Dead Rising, and watched Shawn of the Dead the other day. (By the way, the catchy tune that is their themesong is The Blue Wrath by I Monster.)

So a few comments:

  • They’re none too smart. You can fool them by walking like a zombie. Throw a hunk of meat and they’ll all clump around it. Someone with as much experience as I have is really pretty comfortable walking amidst zombies.
  • They’re slow as molasses. You don’t even have to run. Just walk away from them.

The more important thing, though, is the topic of what to do if there’s a big zombie infestation. There are three important considerations in selecting a location:

  • It needs to be a place where you can live for a while. You want a place to sleep, a bathroom, and an ample supply of food.
  • It has to be hard for zombies to get into. It’s unclear if they can break glass / break down doors. In Dead Rising they cannot, but it does happen a bit in Shawn of the Dead. Better safe than sorry, though: get something with secure doors and not too many windows.
  • You want an ample supply of weapons. You really don’t want a gun: they’re a pain. Just get a blunt object. Shopping carts work extraordinarily well.  So do lawnmowers and cars, but you’ll most likely be indoors. Machetes, meat cleavers, sickles, and chainsaws are also incredible weapons. But when all else fails, just pick up a baseball bat or frying pan.

Anyone who’s seen Shawn of the Dead knows that a pub is a terrible place to go. There aren’t that many weapons (I guess you have plenty of bottles, corkscrews, and a Winchester with 29 shots, but that’s not really enough), it’s not at all secure, and there’s not much to live off of. (Just peanuts!)

Dead Rising takes place in a mall. That’s not bad. But I’ve found something even better: Costco. They have big huge gates (like garage doors) that they close at the end of the day, so it’s hard to get in. There are a ton of skylights on the roof, but they’re so high up that if zombies come through them, they’ll plummet to their death. There’s an ample supply of weapons, and, of course, a ridiculous amount of food. There are also beds. (Though if you’re alone, you might not want to sleep, lest you wake up and find your brain being munched on.) And plenty of little rooms like coolers and a kitchen where you can hide out.

It’s best to be with others, but beware the apparent tendency for them to become psychopaths and try to kill you. It’s best, then, to keep the best weapons for yourself and to sleep with one eye open.

If you’re not a Costco member, I’d imagine that a BJ’s or Sam’s Club could work. Heck, even a Wal-mart would probably do. But if you want to stick with my recommendation, you can sign up for Costco here. Note that it’s possible that, in the event of a zombie invasion, the lady checking membership cards at the door may be absent, so if you’re near a Costco but aren’t a member, you may be able to get in.

Do be warned, though, that if I beat you there, I’m shutting the gates. So when the zombies come, rush to Costco. Coincidentally, there’s one in Nashua and one in Waltham, so I’m always near a Costco. (Why do you think I picked Bentley?)

You may want to print this guide out and keep it in your glovebox, by the way. Internet access can’t be guaranteed in a large-scale zombie attack.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *