Things on Amazon That Scare the Shit Out of Me

Over Door Cervical Traction Kit

This is apparently a legitimate medical thing, although they said that about trepanning in the past, too. But the fact that it’s a real medical thing will not stop me from having nightmares tonight about being tortured with this thing.

Cold Steel Gunstock War Club

The picture sort of makes this look like a large wooden club with a huge metal blade sticking out of it. But that’s not what it is. Rather, it’s a large polypropylene club with a huge metal blade sticking out of it. Wood is too breakable. Enough said.

Non-Metallic Covert Handcuff Key

There’s (presumably) nothing illegal about owning handcuff keys. There are maybe even legitimate reasons for wanting one that was concealable. (Though, short of being a magician, I’m having a hard time thinking of any.) But a legitimate reason for needing your concealed handcuff key to be non-metallic?

Fury Tactical Non-Metal Knife

The only reason I can think of for making a knife non-metallic would be (a) you need to perform surgery on someone inside of an MRI machine, or (b) you need to get your knife through a metal detector.

If I ever need surgery performed inside of an MRI machine, I’m hoping the surgeon doesn’t use a $7.08 knife from Amazon.

One comment happily proclaims that it won’t set off metal detectors. Two (though one is clearly in jest) talk about how effective it is on severing flesh.

Ethicon 662G Suture Kit

This seems to be targeted at medical students, and the related items make it look like there are fake arms for practicing on. So this one is entirely legitimate.

But I’m still going to have nightmares tonight that, while suspended in the neck-hanger in #1, my torturist (is that a real word?) begins suturing my arm at random.

3 thoughts on “Things on Amazon That Scare the Shit Out of Me

  1. The word you want is “torturer” FWIW. I think there are some properties of non-metallic knives that make them useful other than avoiding metal detectors. I’m just not sure I know what they are. 🙂

  2. Oh yes, “torturer.” Though I still like “torturist” — it makes it sound more like a profession.

    I’ve heard of people using ceramic knives in cooking, though I don’t know why they are preferable either. But I’m pretty sure that whatever those advantages are are not the same reasons that that knife advertises it’s not made out of metal.

  3. Ceramic knives are great for everyday kitchen use because they hold their sharp edge better/longer than metal knives…they also wont bend or dent like a thin metal blade will. But just because a knife’s primary construction is non-metallic does not mean it will pass a metal detector. Kyocera adds a metallic powder to their ceramic knives during the manufacturing process, which is easily detected by equipment used in court houses and by the TSA, specifically to prevent them from being smuggled into placed they don’t belong. Not sure if other companies do this as well, but TSA body scanners will pick up a knife made out of anything (bone, obsidian, etc). Dont be scared.

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